I recently released and let go of something I have held onto since the start of the year. Does anyone else know that feeling? That feeling of complete freedom, of complete surrender.
There are certain things that take time to let go of, to release, to accept them for what they are. But what does it actually mean to let go? To detach? I've always been the type of person that gets caught up between never give up on that thing that you actually want, go after it and the other side of it; whatever will be, will be.
There are sometimes certain things in life that need a ‘fuck letting go’ attitude if you really want it put your heart, your soul, your all into it! But that's the paradox of these times, the paradox of the heart, the balance to master. Getting caught between the heart, the ego and the manifesting of it's ultimate desires.
In the middle of this year, I let go of something that I had held onto for most of my life, my whole adult life anyway. The weight off my shoulders was unexplainable. The hurt I was putting myself through hoping that a certain outcome would happen. I took this on myself, on a very personal level and was fully aware I was doing it. I held on because this change I wanted, I felt would have helped so many others, so many hurt souls and so I had my energy entangled in it. Letting go meant that I had to accept that my desired outcome potentially wouldn’t be, what I thought would be the best for everyone would be over. It was extremely close to home and I would be lying if I didn’t admit it was a hard one. It might not ever happen in the future, but I finally decided I can't spend anymore holding my breath. If it does happen I guess I'll be ready, but not wishing and waiting. If it doesn't then I've already 'detached' during the year. At the end of the day we control no one else but ourselves and we can only help people who want to be helped, we have to bring the scenario back to ourselves and how it is affecting us as a human, in our own lives having this human experience.
When we hold on to something too tight you sometimes create expectations, which is totally fine to have, expectations are apart of life. But as long as there isn’t a massive attachment to a desired outcome. Realising with expectations, you can potentially invite hurt and anger in when we don’t get what we want. For example when you keep focusing on what you do not have that is all you will have. When we don’t let go, I believe this also creates and builds tension, in the body, a weight, which then forms a line of energy from you to that particular thing, the senario, person or situation and you can really lose yourself in it.
Do we actually know when we are holding onto something, until a moment of complete realisation enters the brain? Until something snaps. Then to realise you're doing a similar thing to completely different unrelated scenario. Fuck !! Since the start of the year, like far out, and this time, I didn’t even realise! I think I personally held on and used that it as subconscious reason to be internally emotional, used it as an excuse even, to not let myself feel anything else but this. Used it as a reason to not move on, for this certain aspect of my life anyway. Probably run by fear also, in thinking something else so awesome wouldn’t ever happen to me ever again. But I didn’t even know, so was I holding onto it all subconsciously the whole time? Or maybe I secretly knew and stepped into a place of delusion for a bit. Which is ok, all fun and games, it's all smoke and mirrors, it's all lessons and learning. They do say when you close one door another opens. Sometimes you don’t realise these things until you feel the weight of the release.
Is that the lesson to learn, whatever will be will be? When you hold something too tight, you squish it, and when you squish something, it dies. If you really care for something you let it go...
Is letting go, the realisation itself? Is it Karma, built into us before we are even born with lessons we are meant to learn no matter what? Are we just run by fear when we cannot let go? When we can’t call a situation what it is, are we just afraid of the worst happening or something else not happening to us the same way ever again? Do we ever actually let go or is it just simply down to accepting the situation for what it actually is, history, a memory, an expectation, the past.
I'm sure this won’t be the last time I will be faced with these sort of situations/realisations.
That is life. But I tell you what, the cutting of the cords, the release, the feeling of breath that can actually enter parts of the body I didn't even know it could. I'm here so extremely grateful for the fact I wouldn't want to be feeling any other way, this weird sense of hurt, appreciation, of acceptance, somehow a greater new found love for myself. This new found strength obtained!
Thank you 2017 for all the lessons. Much Gratitude.
Let go. Let's do this. Bring it on 2018. May it be everything you want and more.